The Blog Cabin

Hello again my faithful readers (I can’t even get my girlfriend to read a whole post…). However despite my lack of a following thus far I am not frustrated, especially considering that this is my last required post. (Sorry Usha). But for today’s Blog Cabin I would like to have everybody gather round the fire and hear the tale of a giant. No, not a jolly green one, or one you need magic beans to get to, but a giant that is entering into the autumn of its years. I am of course referring to the stumbling, sputtering mess that is known as the network nightly news broadcast. ABC, NBC, CBS have always built their night time line up on a talking head bringing America the world’s latest drama du jour. Gather round kids, its gonna be a dousy…

The nightly news is one of the most formulaic programs that TV has ever known. The only thing that it’s script is missing is the catchphrase that many game shows are famous for. (Is that your final answer? You are the Weakest Link, Come on down) Although many news programs do end with some smug little comment that repeats at the end of the show. Charles Gibson is the worst, take a look at World News on ABC and each show is closed with the worlds, “We hope you’ve had a good day”. Which when written looks fairly benign, but with Chuck’s inflection it reads more like “We hope you’ve had good day”.
Here’s the smugness now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN8ve-__Uek&feature=PlayList&p=F1479BB0E67EC155&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=95
What, are you challenging my ABC? Are you saying that because there is bad news in the world (which there is every second every day) that I can’t view today as a victory because they didn’t charge me full price for my iced coffee? But I digress. I was talking about how formulaic the news has become over the years and the Big 3 continually scratch their heads as their ratings fall faster than the dentures of an old man biting into corn on the cob. Could it be that Fox had it right all these years? No news in the evening? While I can’t bring myself to say that because I do believe that people should stay informed. But how, how can the nightly news program reinvent itself?

1. The nightly news industry must realize that its mean audience that it has had over the years (baby boomers) is getting older. And guess what happens as people get older, they stop caring. Particularly a generation that has been through WWII, the sixties, Nixon/Watergate, Vietnam, Desert Storm, and Reality TV. A people will only be passionate about so much before they wave goodbye. A good example is my ‘ole man (my dad), a perennial favorite example of mine. He’s in his upper 40s (happy birthday by the way) and a few weeks ago he told me that he was going to quick. Now he’s not a smoker, and I knew it wasn’t his job, so I had to ask “Quitting what?”. “The news” he said. He said he was tired of the same thing every night, the Earth stopped spinning just so he could hear the sweet sounds of Brian Williams every night. I was intrigued by this notion so I made a few observations during the first few nights after he “quit news”. It was like watching someone quit smoking, irritability, paranoia, borderline depression really. Then a few night later he relapsed and began watching again. But you can’t hide from the facts, the news ain’t doin so hot according to the Nielsen ratings and the networks aren’t really changing. To succeed they must target the younger audience, integrate sports, interactivity, anything that these darn kids are into. Instead of fantasy football, try FANTASY JOURNALISM! Trade your favorite anchors and reporters and compete against your friends. Yes this might just work…

2. Do away with all the clichés! Back when gas prices were through the roof there would always, and I mean always be a story about how gas was affecting middle America. And you know how they would always end the segment. A medium shot of the dope filling up his SUV, then it would cut to the gas pump meters and show the price climbing. Every night. Without Fail. Of course now that gas is back down in price the footage is gone, but take my word for it, it did happen. Today however since the economy is in the toilet, the newest cliché is that every organization is putting out, “What to do if you get laid-off”, or “How to stay sane between jobs”. While maybe not as prevalent as the whole gas situation, it does happen on one network at least once a week. Think about it every news program begins the same, progresses the same, and ends the same, sure there are subtleties, but the average viewer can’t differentiate. Don’t believe me? Watch these, I can wait until your done:

CBS NEWS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my9NwPCDPak&feature=related

NBC NEWS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtQXQlHvZVY
(score, take a look at the first clip, there’s the dope filling his SUV up)

ABC NEWS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgh89FLA_qM

Its all the same, dramatic music, flashy graphics, monotone anchor. What’s not to love? Hey network execs, I don’t know where you get your focus groups but you better branch out because suddenly you all look like your working together to produce the same show and just rebranding it with different people. Whoops. Secret’s out.

So that’s the news in a nutshell. Some executive has to take a chance if they want these programs to succeed. If not, they are dead on the table, they are archaic, depressing, overly simple in terms of content, and truth be told downright boring. We’re grownups, we can be fed a little more detail to our stories, not 20 seconds of graphic fly ins and introductions for a story that basically says “The president shook someone’s hand”. Here my words Big 3, the Blog Cabin does not lie!!!

So I had initially intended to write about pharmakons, and really interesting intellectual stuff like that. However just before I sat down to begin yet another enthralling blog post for the Blog Cabin, I turned on the TV for a bit of background noise. Something however stuck out from the background, the oh so familiar whistle of yet another “Smilin’ Bob” Enzyte commercial. You know the ones, packed so full to the brim with innuendo and double entendre’s that it’s enough to make Hugh Hefner blush. Now let’s get one thing straight, I the great Blog Cabin creator am by no means above a little sophomoric genital humor, but I do have standards.

Today’s post is dedicated to looking into the world of medical commercials, particularly the ones based around the subject of, male enhancement, and really any other ailment that I can think of. My first argument is relatable to all of these commercials and I’m quite sure it’s something we’ve all experienced. It’s late at night and if you’re like me your watching the Golf Channel, when all of a sudden your program (which is being listened to at appropriate volume) goes to commercial. On pops a drug commercial and its volume is nearly twice what your programs was. So now, instead of hearing “Tiger Woods putting for Birdie”, I get to hear “YOU’LL HAVE A SLEIGH FULL OF CONFIDENCE, AND A SACK FULL OF PRIDE” (Don’t believe me? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7vOPPXkqm4). While many of the big media types will tell me that it’s purely a marketing technique to shock the viewer into paying attention, I just want to be able to watch Phil Mickelson make a few putts without being accused of watching a poorly written adult film.

We must however give these companies a little bit of credit however. It does take quite an amount of testicular fortitude to be able to have this commercials script in front of you and give it the green light to be made. From what I’ve learned in college I don’t know if I’d be able to OK a commercial with the words “hard and straight” and “spouting up” without questioning my priorities. We’ve all been the kid at the dinner table when an Enzyte, Cialis, or Viagra commercial comes on, and when its over your studying your plate of meatloaf so hard you get a migraine just so you don’t have to make eye contact with your parents. 

Here’s where my hard hitting logic comes into play. These companies will undoubtedly tell you that this is exactly what they are trying to do. Be in your face, be bold, and for lack of a better word be stiff to the point. They get the catchy song stuck in your head, and they play to our most primal instinct, and you know what, there’s really no argument against that. But if you’re going to push the envelope you should probably be ready to face the consequences. It seems that CEO of Enzyte Steve Warshak “was ordered to forfeit more than $500 million. Convicted in February on 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering, Mr. Warshak was ordered to pay $93,000 in fines.”

(http://www.nutraceuticalsworld.com/news/2008/08/28/Judge%20Issues%2025-Year%20Prison%20Sentence%20in%20Enzyte%20Case)

Hey Stevie, I got a little proverb for you and you know what, I think it might just work for your next Smilin Bob commercial about you being in jail. “The bigger they come, the harder they fall” Oh I’m sorry is that a little embarrassing. People need to learn that there are boundaries in this world of ours, and it’s really not that hard to write a commercial that can sell your product, have a little fun, and not sound like it was written by a 4^th grader who missed today’s dosage of Ritalin.

 What’s my point in all this? I’m glad you asked I didn’t want you to think I was some raving lunatic (a la Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Christian Bale, Alec Baldwin, Bruce Springsteen, whoops I’m rambling) who just yells because they have a camera in front of their face. No I come from the school where we have a little bit of reason to back up our arguments. My point is this, the media industry as a whole needs to look at itself and stop pretending that it has no effect on society as a whole. We are slowly raising a bunch of kids who are hookedonphonicsopen24hoursinthenetworkoutsidetheboxdollarmenunairesvivaviagracertifiedpurveyorsofthehighlife playtextampaxtylenollysolxboxps3nintendowii who watch so much TV that it might just be all that they see. Do it for the kids mass media industry, a child’s mind is a canvas, use it to make a Monet, not money. Damn that was good.

And in closing here’s links to more Smilin Bob commercials

THE WONDERS OF WOOD/POKER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6UnwFW_GFw&feature=PlayList&p=255979B438FCF4D1&index=23

BOWLING/YARD WORK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1_ZjrcjkSU&feature=PlayList&p=255979B438FCF4D1&index=24

SKIING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cju1w10SHPY&feature=PlayList&p=255979B438FCF4D1&index=27

One of the most interesting things about America is how quickly we invent and discard new phrases. Some do last longer than others, but eventually they all become caricatures of themselves. When you hear a 70 year old man open his Social Security check and say “Bling-Bling”, it’s time that we move on from that phrase as a society.

            The reason I bring it up is not to hate on the baby boomer generation for trying to stay current, but to drawn attention to a very dangerous word that has the chance to become just as hollow and weak as “fo-shizzle” and “wasss-up” (think Budweiser commercials). The word I’m talking about is “Going Green”. If you ask 100 people what this word means you’d get almost 100 different answers. Is it buying and driving a Toyota Prius? Is it doing away with trays at your local schools Dining Commons? Is it dedicating each and every movement that you make in your life to be an environmentally sustainable one? I gotta go out on a limb here and tell you that I really don’t know what the right answer is. But this is America after all and if you’re not sure about something there’s always someone willing to extend a hand…and shove their opinion down your throat with it.

            I decided that I want to dedicate this post to finding out what the true meaning of going green is. So I just Google-d  going green and clicked on the third link from the top (a little habit of mine) and got sent to http://www.treehugger.com/gogreen.php . After discarding a pop-up ad (which is evidently a green pop-up ad) I am ready to get down to business. Lucky for me, it gives me an unordered list about how I can go green for various activities. Scroll down a little farther and you’ll see where the more interesting techniques come into play. The one’s that I’ll examine today are how to go green when, dating, and of course green funerals. Let’s get started.

1. Green Dating: Tree Hugger gives me a whole lot to work with here, but I’m going to focus solely on this page http://planetgreen.discovery.com/go-green/dating/dating-tips.html which is all about green dating tips. They way they lay it out is that people that are overly green have trouble finding dates on their own (I’ll leave that one alone). I say that because they mention websites such as Green Singles, Green Passions, and Earth Singles. Sorry, but to me a Green Single is just another term for a dollar bill, and Green Passions sounds like something a trip to the shrink could fix. Further down if we look at tip #3, it tells us how to make a green impression. “Just choose your clothes and accessories carefully by picking sustainable fabrics, vintage pieces, or organic fibers” and they then tell us to take public transportation, or better yet carpool. When I picture this scene I’d imagine waiting for my date to walk off the bus, and she comes out wearing a burlap potato sack and introduces me to her friend, Mongo, who owns a “hemp” store based from his apartment who will be chauffeuring us for the evening. I think I would take off the other direction (but hey at least running is green…). Finally they tell us how to exit gracefully from the relationship (guess they saw it coming), and how to console yourself after the loss. try to refrain from burning all your mementos: who knows what kind of toxins are in that stuffed animal you won together at the State Fair. Instead, channel your energy toward pulling weeds at a CSA or cuddling the pets at your local animal shelter-you might just meet that next special someone in the process. Next let’s examine green funerals.

2.   Tree Huggers website runs the whole gamut of green topics, dating, eating, sex, and working out among others. They figure that after a few weeks of living this life-style you’re probably going to end up dead, so they conveniently put in a section on funerals. The first peculiar part about this is that they suggest cremation as a green alternative. They do advise that “cremation doesn’t seem like a particularly green idea. Burning anything creates pollution, especially if there are toxic substances present (via embalming, for example)”. But they do have another piece of advice if you want to be creamated, “you can ask the crematorium about what they are doing to reduce emissions.” That’s exactly what I want to be doing on my death bed. “Say, Dr. Manson, could I perhaps see your latest emissions figures and maybe the figures from a few of your competiteors?” Please.

They also suggest ways to make your actual funeral ceremony just a little bit greener.

1.  
   • Programs:
     Use recycled paper for programs or hymn sheets.
   • Flowers:
     Source any flowers from organic, local growers.
   • Procession:
     Make arrangements for carpooling from location to location during the funeral.
   • Refreshments:
     If the deceased was an environmentalist, the chances are they enjoyed local, organic food. If refreshments are being served, it makes sense then to look closely at where they come from. TreeHugger’s How to Green Your Meals provides helpful tips and guidelines for selecting the refreshments of your choice.

That’s the kind of lasting impression that I want to leave, programs that will degrade before you finish reading them, and making my final wishes to be ordering people to ride together when they clearly don’t want to.

So what have we learned from all this? What I got out of it is that if you decided to undertake the green lifestyle you may end up with just that, being undertaken. Try and ride you bike, or walk, and don’t litter. If you don’t Mother Earth won’t like that to much. Fo-Shizzle.

THANK YOU FOR PURCHASING YOUR BRAND NEW YAKBERRY PHONE!!!!

Listed below is the contract to which you are now bound with for quite some time, it doesn’t really matter how long, at least to us…

Article 1: Your Yakberry comes with a limited life time warranty. The warranty is limited in that we will cover damage to the phone that is caused by manufacturing defects only. To file a claim you must mail the phone to 1 of our 3 offices located in Greenland, Myanmar, and Antartica. To be considered for a replacement phone you must include in your package: 1. A detailed schematic of the phones ailment and reasons why you yourself cannot fix it. 2. Three unrelated references that we can contact at our discretion to make sure you didn’t break the phone. 3. Finally, our mandatory service charge which is non-negotiable and must be paid in wampum.

Article 2: Your Yakberry contract is subject to change at any and all times including but not limited to: text message rates may be raised at our discretion, even if you signed up for our free text plan (please see article 5 paragraph 3 line 5 of your text message contract if this confuses you). You long distance coverage may be re-evaluated at anytime, our latest change merits that long distance is now determined to be any phone you call that is farther than 15.54meters away from you. Also, your internet access can is subject to monitoring and information may be sold to 3^rd party advertisers at our discretion.

Article 3: Yakberry Corp. also reserved the right to look into your past phone ownership history and determine when we will raise your rates. A few things that may qualify you for rate raises are: Ownership of any other phone other than Yakberry; Non-ownership of any phone…ever; if you have ever or intend to text the words, LOL, OMG, J/K, IMHO, IMAO or any text containing these letter.

Article 4: If you have any other problems with the phone do not hesitate to contact us by phone at 1-800-652-659…no, wait it’s actually 1-800-654-659 well we’re sure it starts with 1-800. Maybe you should try our website www.yakberrycorp.com , but remember it can only be accessed with Internet explorer 6.

We do have a direct phone line at 1-800-BAD-PHONE

THANK YOU AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032619#29178929

(follow to view the video)

This news piece is a perfect example of why I can’t watch the news anymore. This just in NBC maybe it’s not in my best interest to be hearing that my chances of getting a job when I graduate are right around the same as me getting struck by lightning while winning the lottery. Alright, maybe I’m overreacting, after all I am in the Class of 2010, which from what I can foresee, will be experiencing a completely different scenario from the Class of 2009.

            But seriously folks, lets take a good look at what the news piece is actually telling us. Remember that poor hapless chap, what’s his name…Lee Cox. The sap who couldn’t find a job in such a hard market, I can deal with his whining, but the thing that I didn’t get, and almost couldn’t believe was the soundtrack that NBC put under this segment. Go back and listen, at 39 seconds in, its unmistakable. Pink Floyd. Time. Pink Floyd is one of the most anti-establishment bands to ever record, but what does this mean? Why would NBC use this, I’ve never heard anything closely resembling commercial music in a news segment. I wonder what Roger Waters would think about this…

            But enough mystery and smoke and mirrors. The meat of the piece centers on how us industrious, bright-eyed youth can get a job. They want us to get off our Facebook’s and MySpace’s and join…a social networking site. This one must be special though, it must just be for sophisticated people. Hey if it’s void of zombie invitations and poking sign me up. And what’s with the pro-Bama spin that comes out of nowhere “the stimulus will particularly help you”. Let me find my own job thank you very much.

            And now for my final thought. Students of my generation, it’s time for you to start stepping up and taking responsibility for yourself. I’ve heard complaint after complaint in all my classes. “I’m tired”, “This is too much work”. We are only as good as we make ourselves to be, if something is difficult view it as a challenge not an impetus. A wise man once said, “Just Do It”. And they’re not paying me to say that.

Come on in and stay awhile the fire’s warm. Make yourself comfortable and get ready to be served the biggest bowl of Media Criticism you’ve ever seen. Now with less fat!